The blending of families:When yours and mine become ours

The blending of families is a common and yet challenging task. The days of the intact family, exempt from divorce, appears less noticeable in todays world. Changes in our family system pose a complex set of transitional difficulties. Making these changes takes commitment and hard work.

Handling divorce presents enough problems of its own, without the consideration of melding two families. How partners, who choose to dissolve their marriage, end up processing their divorce, plays a significant role in determining the outcome of future family relationships. Couples may maintain the marriage after the divorce by hanging on, feuding, and pitting the children in a nasty game. Couples may create emotional baggage that impacts the ability to reconfigure family life.

Adults and children need to feel safe before they can move on. Neither can move forward until they have fully let go of the past. Bringing unresolved baggage into a new relationship and prospective family life thwarts the potential for success. The new relationship after divorce may suffer from the pitfalls of partners resenting each other over on-going management of divorce issues, including finances, visitation structure and medical considerations for the children. Invariably, one partner may think his mate is being too passive in dealing with custodial issues with his former spouse. These differences in perspective may create unnecessary conflict. Frequently, a partners passivity with his ex-spouse may emerge out of a sense of false guilt. False guilt immobilizes people because they allow others to have a sense of power over them.

One of the pitfalls of the blended family is introducing children into the new family system prematurely. The grieving and healing process of divorce takes time, and forcing a new partner into the lives of children may backfire. Consumed with the excitement of a new relationship, couples can be too eager to involve their children into the newness they are experiencing. Childrens feelings need to be taken into consideration as they are asked to adapt to new family relationships. Children must be emotionally prepared to adequately deal with the ramifications of new family members or they will increasingly learn to resent the changes.

One of the most common perils of the blended family is allowing a step-parent to become the disciplinarian to the partners children. It is never advisable for a step-parent to discipline their partners children. It creates resentment and is a set-up for failure. It is imperative that the biological parent never lose sight of the need to nurture and oversee the discipline of their own children. Asking for parenting advice from a partner in a blended family is appropriate, but turning over responsibility for the discipline of ones children is not. Children want their own parents to maintain a strong sense of connectedness with them, set appropriate boundaries, and make decisions that affect their behavior and well-being.

Another issue important to the development of a blended family is making sure that each partner maintains a strong identity with their own children while integrating all children within the new family structure. Accomplishing this requires parenting patience, balance, communications and conflict resolution, including family meetings. Partners must avoid a sense of favoritism toward their own children, establishing new behavioral patterns that are in the best interest of all members of the new family. Being attuned to your partners needs and wants as well as those of the blended family children is essential. Expectations for increased involvement and communications among members of the blended family must be realistic. The chances for success of a blended family will increase if you will:

Resolve divorce related issues as effectively as possible.

Maintain a strong attachment to your own children so that they do not feel discarded or overshadowed by the blended family.

Be cautious and sensitive about introducing a new partner into your childrens lives.

Make sure that you handle all disciplinary matters directly related to your own children.

Spend alone time with your own children so that they do not feel overshadowed by the blended family.

Avoid any sense of favoritism regarding the blending of children. If there are parenting differences that are affecting the blended family, they should be discussed apart from the children, if needed with a third party.

Make any visitation process for the children as structured and as welcoming as possible.

Use family meetings as a way of handling blended family conflicts involving your children.

Of major importance is that children want to know that their parents are happy in a new relationship. Make sure that you build a committed, intimate relationship with your new partner and that you cultivate it by spending time apart from the children to develop it. The success of a blended family starts with a partners ability to communicate and promote understanding with their new blended family mate.

James P. Krehbiel, Ed.S., LPC is an author, freelance writer, and nationally certified cognitive-behavioral therapist practicing in Scottsdale, Arizona. His book, Stepping Out of the Bubble is available at www.booklocker.com. James can be reached at www.krehbielcounseling.com.

If husband does not want a child

Not all our husbands are ready to become fathers since the moment of family creation. Even after several years of a family life they are still morally unprepared for childbirth, then it becomes already a real problem that can cause various consequences.

If after some time your husband is still unprepared to have a child, do not wait for that happy moment for years, but analyze his behavior on this early stage and try to understand the problem. You should also remember following:

It is quite normal that during first time a man and woman sense different feelings (often contradictory) concerning their parental role. Future parents are often afraid that after childbirth they will lose their own freedom, have no time for entertainment, and lose a feeling that they can do everything in this world forever. Thought of children frightens everybody at first, especially those who have strained relationships with their own parents. A partner fear and uncertainty towards children is quite a normal thing. However, to overcome this problem, you need to talk more about children, giving your partner understanding that your family will become even happier and stronger after childbirth, but you will still have your own spare time.

Women and men prepare for parenting in different ways, someone needs more time, others less. A woman realizes she is pregnant earlier than her husband, she feels changes and is already prepared psychologically to become a mother since the moment of a baby first motions.

Men prefer denying changes in their lives, they understand they will soon become fathers, however, they still cannot feel these changes completely, as it is a woman who bears a baby. As a rule, husbands start understanding a father role only several months after childbirth.

You need to understand that a husband refusal from childbirth does not mean he does not want children. Most often he feels fear, so you should not treat your husband behavior as his unwillingness seeing you as a mother. To help your husband coping with the fear of childbirth, join your friends and close people who already have children to your problem. Ask them telling that the world does not change to bad after childbirth, ways of merry pastime with the whole family, how many pleasant moments their children presented them.

If you are already expecting a baby, give your husband understanding that now you need his support and comprehension as never before, try to explain his negative attitude to the situation makes you suffering and being depressed.

After you talk to your husband abut his fears, prepare him for a sincere conversation, during which you would try solving the problem of fatherhood together.